On July 13, 2026, Microsoft quietly updated MS Office 2019 and MS Office 2021 for Macintosh computers. These updates rendered these versions all-but useless; users could open and print existing documents, but they could not create new documents or make any edits to existing files. Microsoft also changed the language on its website to remove references to the “perpetual license” users had purchased when they purchased and installed the software.
Microsoft encourages all customers to migrate to Office 365, a subscription-based service that costs, as of this writing, $12.99 per month. Office 365 operates under a different type of “perpetual license,” in that users are expected to pay a monthly fee in perpetuity.
In the following daydream, we imagine if Microsoft made cars… 1
Scene. Sunnyvale, California. 2023. A small ranch house bordering the El Dorado Mobile Home Park in Sunnyvale, California, possibly the last affordable spot in Silicon Valley. Interior. ARCHIE McCOURT, a harried poetry editor, sits on his sofa. He is halfway through a challenging panel of The Far Side when his phone buzzes with a new message.
Microsoft Auto Update: Thank you for buying your 2019 Microsoft Clip crossover. We’d like you to know that we have a lovely selection of 2023 vehicles at your local dealership, all available for lease!
Archie McCourt: Thanks. I’m all set.
MAU: Please note that, effective October 2023, we will no longer provide map updates to the GPS in your 2019 Microsoft Clip crossover. Remember that we have lovely 2023 Clips available for lease.
AM: Well…I’m not delighted by that, but I guess I can drive the car and use the GPS in my phone? Not the end of the world.
(18 months later)
Microsoft Auto Update: Hello. Please note that, effective September 2025, we will no longer manufacture spare parts for your 2019 Microsoft Clip. If your old car were to break, you would have to find a workaround.
Archie McCourt: Rats. That sucks. Guess I’ll have to be extra careful. I plan on keeping my car a good long time.
MAU: Click here to lease a shiny new 2025 Clip!
(6 months later)
Microsoft Auto Update: Good morning. Please note that, effective last night, we have removed the spark plugs, muffler, and tires from your 2019 Microsoft Clip. To assist you with your transition to a new, leased 2026 Microsoft vehicle, we are pleased to offer you “Lounge Mode.” In Lounge Mode, you can still listen to the radio in your 2019 Clip. Just don’t try to adjust the seats.
Archic McCourt: YO. My car was in my GARAGE. Who gave you permission to go in there?
MAU: Please come in today, so we can get you into a shiny new 2026 Clip! Attractive leasing terms are available.
AM: No way this is legal. Let me check the title to my car…
MAU: We’ve replaced it.
Title: Welcome to your new, leased 2026 Microsoft Clip!
AM: This lease doesn’t match my car!
MAU and Title: What?
AM: This new lease? It doesn’t even mention my 2019 car!
MAU: That thing in your garage? It has no spark plugs, no muffler, and no tires. Seems a bit of a stretch to call it a “car,” buddy.
(End)
Artie Moffa is the editor of Bicycle Comics, publisher of The Best Federal Resignations of 2025. He wrote this piece on a 2012 MacBook Air running Microsoft Office 2008. It was not his first choice.
- If Microsoft made cars, they would all come bundled with Windows preinstalled. ↩︎