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Lina Khan Sucks, by The Wall Street Journal Editorial Board (SATIRE)

Although the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) is ostensibly an “independent agency,” its chair, Lina Khan, has been authorized by President Biden to destroy capitalism. Chair Khan has hijacked trade policy along with left-wing groups. Her approach to Amazon—a subject from which she should recuse her herself as she wrote an article on Amazon in law school—borders on brain-death and is incredibly weak. Her takes are so bad, you could make a killing betting against her. She could learn a thing or two about monopoly power from watching Shark Tank. Honestly, she keeps whiffing.

Let’s just take one example, the FTC’s case against Amgen. The FTC really went wild at first, but then its bark turned out worse than its bite. So we’re not sure where we come out here. Too much, too little? Hard to say. We blame Chair Khan for our confusion.

Chair Khan keeps chalking up defeats. We think that’s because Khan can’t see the future. Yet she keeps going back to the future.

She is against business, despite her gift to Netflix. And her gift to Walmart and Amazon. Don’t ask us why she’s giving Amazon a gift when she hates Amazon. But Walmart is still taking her on. Regardless, she’s conspiring with foreigners to hamstring U.S. companies. And she’s in the hands of “Big Labor,” which makes her a socialist.

Also, she is literally trying to kill you. It’s so unholy. Seriously, a monopoly can be life-saving!  Her decisions have deadly consequences.

Quite frankly, she will grab power wherever she can. Flying too close to the sun can cause you to head for legal trouble.

Of course, the consumer-friendly patriots at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce will fight her. And fight her. Some are tired of fighting her, and have made noisy exits. Which we think show how abusive Chair Khan is. And abusive to staff, too. They are disgruntled. Even Lefties attack her.

Private equity warns her pro-enforcement stance hurts consumers. Really blasted her for that. Because as you know, mergers are pro-consumer, despite what overzealous folks like Chair Khan say. Businesses are really between a rock and Lina Khan’s FTC.

Did we mention that Chair Khan is biased? Against Amazon. Even though she narrowed her sights on them. And against Facebook. She has a Meta Fixation. Thanks to us, she can’t engage in a recusal coverup from all her biases.

Josh Hawley, have you met Lina Khan? Hawley loves Khan, but we don’t. Congress needs to investigate her.

We will say one positive thing about “Ms. Khan,” as we refer to her in an endearing and not-at-all misogynistic way: “Losing doesn’t get her down.” She’s “Taking on the World’s Biggest Tech Companies—and Losing.” Even if it MEANS losing. We think the point we are trying to make is she’s suffered so many setbacks. Yet all this losing is somehow intimidating, even causing a CEO to resign. All the while harassing Elon Musk.

What if she were around when the typewriter was invented? We don’t know, but we do know if she drives, she’ll try to fix her car even if it ain’t broke.

We think it is clear from what we’ve said here that Lina Khan hates business. Because of her and business-hating bureaucrats like her, businesses lack a seat at the table. In essence, corporate America is a political orphan. It’s spurring companies to rethink mergers, because her approach is not a Borkian “light touch.”

She hallucinates. She thinks all mergers are bad too. Biden needs to fix antitrust and rethink her ideas. Hashtag: Not all mergers. Chair Khan is too young and prone to radical ideas. Unlike the Chamber of Commerce, which is old. Oh, if only she didn’t fight the truth of Consumer Welfare!  Then she wouldn’t be tempted to take such bad cases. Or any at all, really.

Bottom line. We hate her. Also, is there another U.S. antitrust enforcement agency manned by a man? We forget.

The views expressed here do not represent those of the author’s employers. The author decided to summarize the Wall Street Journal’s position on Lina Khan through its op-eds, editorials, and letters to the editor. There are so many. But he’s summarized the gist in this essay to save you time in the future. You’re welcome.

Articles Used for This Summary:

  1. The Story Behind Biden’s Trade Failure: Emails show how Lina Khan and the left co-opted Katherine Tai.
  2. Brain Death at the FTC and FCC: Net neutrality and Amazon show why Congress needs to kill agencies as well as creating new ones.
  3. Lina Khan Has a Weak Case Against Amazon: The FTC Chair defines monopoly down to harpoon the giant retailer with an antitrust suit.
  4. The Hedge Fund That Made a Killing Betting Against Lina Khan: Pentwater Capital predicted that FTC attempts to block big deals would fail
  5. Lina Khan Needs to See ‘Shark Tank’: Kevin O’Leary would never invest in a business that had to face conditions of ‘perfect competition.’
  6. Lina Khan Whiffs Again
  7. Antitrust Gone Wild Against Amgen: No theory is too strange for Lina Khan’s FTC to block a merger.
  8. Biden FTC’s Antitrust Bark Proves Worse Than Its Bite: FTC settlement with Amgen will pave way for more healthcare deal making
  9. Lina Khan Chalks Up Another Defeat: A federal judge tosses the FTC’s Meta suit as lacking enough evidence.
  10. The FTC Can’t See the Future: The agency litigates videogame consoles, which will be irrelevant in 10 years.
  11. Lina Khan and the FTC Go Back to the Antitrust Future: Biden’s reactionary trustbuster seeks to resurrect precedents that were out of date 40 years ago.
  12. Lina Khan’s Gift to Netflix; Blocking the Amazon-MGM deal would help the streaming giants.
  13. The FTC’s Grocery Gift to Walmart and Amazon:  Chair Lina Khan won’t let Kroger and Albertsons merge to become more competitive.
  14. Walmart Takes On Lina Khan: A dubious FTC lawsuit tees up the agency for a constitutional challenge.
  15. The FTC Is Working With the EU to Hamstring U.S. Companies: Chair Lina Khan wants foreign help to impose her agenda that Congress wouldn’t pass.
  16. Lina Khan’s Non-Compete Favor to Big Labor
  17. Lina Khan Blocks Cancer Cures: Illumina’s acquisition of Grail would save lives, and it’s crazy for the FTC to call it a monopoly.
  18. The FTC’s Unholy Antitrust Grail:  The agency overrules its own law judge to block Illumina’s acquisition.
  19. One ‘Monopoly’ That Could Save Your Life: Will Lina Khan’s FTC block widespread early detection of pancreatic cancer?
  20. Lina Khan’s Merger Myopia Has Deadly Consequences: Will a new cancer screening test become widely available?
  21. Lina Khan’s Power Grab at the FTC: The new Chair snatches unilateral authority and rescinds bipartisan Obama-era standards.
  22. Lina Khan Is Icarus at the FTC
  23. The FTC Heads for Legal Trouble: Its aggressive rule-making will create opportunities for judges to rein in the commission’s authority.
  24. Business Group Challenges Lina Khan’s Agenda at Federal Trade Commission
  25. The Chamber of Commerce Will Fight The FTC
  26. Why I’m Resigning as an FTC Commissioner: Lina Khan’s disregard for the rule of law and due process make it impossible for me to continue serving.
  27. The Many Abuses of Lina Khan’s FTC: Christine Wilson’s resignation highlights the agency’s bad turn.
  28. Lina Khan’s Trumpian Precedent
  29. Lina Khan Sees Turbulent Start as Head of Federal Trade Commission: Criticized by Republicans, Khan tells agency staffers she aims to build bridges going forward
  30. Progressives Attack Their Own at the FTC
  31. Antitrust Attacks on Private Equity Hurt Consumers
  32. Private Equity Blasts Antitrust Agencies’ Efforts to Slow Mergers
  33. T-Mobile Proves That Mergers Can Benefit Consumers: That should give pause to today’s overzealous antitrust enforcers.
  34. Between a Rock and Lina Khan’s FTC
  35. Amazon Seeks Recusal of FTC Chairwoman Lina Khan in Antitrust Investigations of Company
  36. Lina Khan Once Went Big Against Amazon. As FTC Chair, She Changed Tack.
  37. Facebook Seeks FTC Chair Lina Khan’s Recusal in Antitrust Case
  38. Lina Khan Has a Meta Fixation
  39. Lina Khan’s Recusal Coverup
  40. Josh Hawley, Meet Lina Khan
  41. Josh Hawley Loves Lina Khan
  42. Congress Can Investigate Lina Khan
  43. Lina Khan’s Artificial Intelligence: Fresh off its latest legal defeat, the FTC moves to regulate ChatGPT.
  44. Lina Khan Is Taking on the World’s Biggest Tech Companies—and Losing
  45. Why the FTC’s Lina Khan Is Taking on Big Tech, Even if It Means Losing
  46. Antitrust Regulation by Intimidation
  47. Lina Khan Wins as Illumina’s CEO Resigns
  48. The Harassment of Elon Musk
  49. If Lina Khan Had Been Around When the Typewriter Was Invented
  50. Car Shopping Ain’t Broke, So the FTC Will Fix It
  51. How Corporate America Became a Political Orphan
  52. Wall Street Deal Making Faces Greater Scrutiny, Delays Under FTC’s Lina Khan
  53. The Return of the Trustbusters
  54. Forget AI: The Administrative State Is a Bad Algorithm: Microsoft trustbusters and EPA regulators show chatbots aren’t the only ones who ‘hallucinate.’
  55. How Biden Can Get Antitrust Right: New draft competition guidelines released last week need revision. Not all mergers are bad.
  56. Let a Biden Reappraisal Include Antitrust: If any good comes from the administration’s debacles, our oldest president will put aside childish things.
  57. The New Progressives Fight Against Consumer Welfare
  58. Lina Khan and Amy Klobuchar’s Microsoft Temptation
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